I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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