My sheets look like a crime scene.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
