I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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