i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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