i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
