my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Come share oat with me in your robe
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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