My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i need to put some appletini on your dick
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I die, sorry about rent.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
