I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
