so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
