I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
