mondays should just be called national damage control day
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
