I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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