god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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