today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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