come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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