im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
