the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
