her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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