She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
