god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
