Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
