Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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