Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
