3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
