note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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