Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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