hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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