I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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