Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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