You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
