My nipple is on Facebook.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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