Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
