My underwear smells like fireworks.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
