i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
