and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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