it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
