I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
