I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
