I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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