Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
