she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
