you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
