The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
