is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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