I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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