Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
