My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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