there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
