we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
