Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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