a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
