The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
