im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
