my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
