Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
