Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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